WASHINGTON—Fumbling over his words before meandering into an anecdote about his newest golf course, sources confirmed Thursday that President Donald Trump asked the mother of a fallen soldier to remind him what they were talking about 15 seconds into their phone conversation. “So, uh, wait—what was I just saying?” the commander-in-chief reportedly said moments after offering his condolences to the woman before quickly placing the phone receiver on the Resolute Desk and asking a nearby advisor to remind him who he was calling. “Oh yeah, your son? He did military stuff, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was quickly wrapping up the conversation by telling the woman on the other end of the line that he was counting on her vote for his tax reform plan.
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Intelligence Briefing Interrupted By Sofa-Cushion-Wearing Trump Boys Volunteering To Fight In North Korea
WASHINGTON—With sofa cushions duct-taped to their chests as they marched into the meeting, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly interrupted a military intelligence briefing Friday, shouting “ten-hut!” in unison and then volunteering to fight in North Korea.
According to sources, Defense Secretary James Mattis and the Joint Chiefs of Staff were reviewing a presentation on troop mobility in Afghanistan when the Trump boys, who wore rain boots and had secured throw pillows to their legs and arms with belts, burst into the White House Situation Room to announce they had trained for an entire day and were ready to deploy to North Korea to “kill King Jong-un.”
“We did all the basic training and now we can do combat stuff!” said Donald Jr., who dropped to the ground to do a commando roll underneath the conference room table before hopping to his feet, readjusting the metal colander on his head, and turning to salute the chief of naval operations. “I’ve mastered 10 kinds of kicks, including some ninja ones.”
“We’re gonna stomp their nukes,” Eric Trump added as he lifted his foot and attempted to crush an empty soda can, which soon became stuck to his heel.
White House staff confirmed that earlier in the day, the Trump boys had been observed in the Treaty Room setting up a homemade obstacle course, which included two rows of wastebaskets intended for tire drills and a series of couches that one had to leap across without touching the floor. The final leg of the course was said to have started in the State Dining Room, where the boys crawled on their stomachs through a tunnel of chair legs before shooting a rubber band at an 1804 oil painting of Dolley Madison and sprinting down the hallway to touch the mantel in the East Room.
The Trump boys reportedly showed off their skills to the silent military leaders, with Eric performing nine sit-ups in a row while Donald Jr. landed several blows on an empty office chair using a potato masher as a sword. Sources said the brothers then began to demonstrate their hand-to-hand combat techniques and grappled with each other until Eric tripped over four-star general and Marine Corps commandant Robert Neller’s chair, hitting the floor and getting the wind knocked out of him.
“We’re gonna parachute into the jungle and then sneak into Pong-gong [sic],” said Eric Trump, removing the catcher’s mask he had been wearing to reveal camouflage face paint made from the blue-shimmer and coral colors he found in first lady Melania Trump’s eye shadow palettes. “We’re really good at hiding. And we invented a secret code—if one of us is in trouble, we make a bird call, and the bad guys can’t tell it’s us.”
“Ca-caw!” he added.
Unrolling a piece of construction paper on the table, the Trump boys revealed a hand-drawn map of North Korea, which they had reportedly depicted as a green square completely surrounded by blue water and fiery explosions. The page also included what appeared to be the boys’ battle plan, a series of bullet-points reading, “Spy. Get the plans. Escape in helicopter.”
Several sources indicated that the Trump boys then handed Mattis a list of supplies they would need shipped to North Korea for their mission, including two M1 Abrams battle tanks, their very own dog tags, red headbands, a crate of assault rifles, boxes of Little Debbie snack cakes, a carton of pizza-flavored Goldfish crackers, juice boxes, and something they referred to as a “laser stealth boat.”
“We practiced guns really hard, and now we’re awesome at shooting,” said Eric Trump, pulling up a video on his phone of the brothers making machine gun noises as they stood on the North Lawn driveway and used a garden hose nozzle to spray at a chalk drawing of angry-looking faces labeled “Bad Guys.” “Our aim is super good.”
“We can do arrows, too,” added Donald Jr., pulling a carbon-fiber arrow from a quiver on his back and loading the compound bow he had recently received as a birthday gift from his father.
At press time, White House staff reported a screaming Eric Trump was seen running through the West Wing with an arrow lodged in the couch cushion strapped to his chest.